I see high performers in two broad categories - the majority “lifemaxxers”, who try to maximise their potential by focusing on their life around sleep, nutrition, and physical conditioning, and the minority “energy maxxers”, who try to design the environment to protect their energetic potential. What differentiates the two is the latter’s ability to eliminate negativity. High performers in the first category often fall into the “Curse of Competence,” where their reliability structurally transforms them into organisational or familial “toxic handlers.”
Negativity is often misunderstood as a personality flaw, but it can be better explained as an “atmosphere”. Think of it as an environment that acts on our nervous system to affect our mood, body clock and also productivity. It can be said that eliminating negativity is probably the highest ROI activity for an “energy maxxer”, while the “lifemaxxers” end up in a cycle of punishing themselves for feeling negative.
On most days, while walking on Carter Road, I see children running, laughing, dancing - their energy effortless and contagious. But elders walking alongside look different. Both live in the same universe, but grown-ups tend to absorb negativity like a sponge. We constantly absorb it from repeated conversations, familiar people, old patterns, and environments that are too demanding on our nervous system. This means that negativity is not a mood you’re born with, as is generally believed, but is an accumulated exposure to events, people, and environments.
When you feel guilty of your own competence
Being surrounded by negativity, the most competent person in the room becomes the spine that soaks in most of the toxicity and becomes a toxic handler. The term was coined by behaviour researchers Peter Frost and Sandra Robinson, who defined toxic handlers as individuals who voluntarily or inadvertently shoulder the sadness, frustration, bitterness, and anger of others so that the broader system can continue to function. They act as “shock absorbers,” mediating conflicts, translating harsh top-down directives, and providing a safe space for others to vent their dysregulated emotions. Strong people are highly susceptible to becoming toxic handlers because when they suppress and absorb without support, negativity creeps in and becomes a “vicious cycle”.
Frost and Robinson reasoned that the most empathetic and capable person becomes the unpaid drain for everyone else’s stress. Strong, competent people become the “garbage bags” for other people’s emotions because they’re seen as “the strong ones.” They’re seen as strong because they have been taught to “suppress” their own discomfort to help others relieve their stress. Social systems generate pain, and they naturally route that pain to people with the highest capacity to bear it. That is where the most competent people fit into the role, never to complain. Instead, they end up blaming themselves for others’ failures.
Science calls this “meta-emotion.” It is the secondary emotion - the act of punishing oneself for feeling negative - and causes more prolonged psychological suffering than the primary negative emotions themselves. When someone vents to you, the primary emotions that surface are exhaustion, anger, and resentment, but we also start to feel guilt, shame, or frustration. This identity conflict arises because we see ourselves as the strong one, while these negative feelings clash with our self-image. That cognitive dissonance triggers meta-emotions of shame, guilt and self-loathing. To escape this second layer of pain, we turn to self-destructive coping (doomscrolling, late-night numbing). These behaviours temporarily blunt the brain but further degrade the physiological baseline.
How negativity seeps in
Individuals living in enmeshed environments, such as close-knit families and startups, often believe their inability to maintain a positive mindset is a personal failure. They attempt to “fix” their internal state through sheer willpower or forced optimism. That’s how I approached it as a founder with a middle-class upbringing. I was expected never to feel; everyone trauma-dumped onto me. That constant dumping, suppression and no support system made me the “toxic handler.” Building CreditVidya, I did everything possible to optimise my performance and justify my role as the team’s leader. But it came at a cost. I had a stroke, and the emotional flux that followed made me change my perspective towards almost everything, and I started thinking more about optimising rather than maximising. Negativity is one thing I have managed not to get affected by ever since because it was not my personality trait. Nor is it yours. But we all the time do soak in negativity because we cannot out-think a neurobiological reflex.
1. Emotional contagion
Science has a word for mirroring the emotional state of people in the room: Emotional contagion. As social animals, we don’t just exchange words. We unconsciously absorb their emotional state. So negativity can spread even in “normal” interactions. That is why sitting next to a stressed coworker who looks panicked can cause your own shoulders to tense up and anxiety to rise. The process is driven by “primitive efference”, the tendency to automatically mimic facial expressions, vocalisations, postures, and movements with another person, consequently converging emotionally. The transfer of emotion occurs so fast that it bypasses conscious cognitive filters. Therefore, trying to “think positive” while being consistently dumped on is physiologically impossible.
2. Mismatched companionship
Negativity creeps in through small, repeated exposures. Every small negative event is an affirmation of a previous experience. Over time, it accumulates as confirmation of negativity bias. People bond over common habits and beliefs. Most friendships are thus held together by mutual misery. In friendships built on complaint, you realise every catch-up is an exchange of what’s wrong. Maintaining some relationships mostly means trading fears and imagined disasters. These friends or family members who perpetually complain and mentally rehearse the worst-case scenario make you believe their reality.
3. Loneliness + evolutionary wiring
Our evolutionary biology is wired to scan for threats all the time. This suspicion of the immediate environment can turn into negativity if our nervous system gets stuck in fight-or-flight mode, robbing us of the joy of being alive.
4. Garbage input
The internet is excellent at handing you more of what already hurts. Heavy negative news and social media use is tied to increased depression and loneliness. If you’re doomscrolling at midnight, you wake up tired. That’s ‘garbage in’ becoming ‘garbage out.’ Social media feeds reward rage bait and worst-case content, creating a powerful loop that reinforces negativity. This happens because algorithms maximise user engagement, and human psychology is deeply wired to react to negativity.
How does it manifest?
Chronic negativity costs health, lived years, and, most importantly, our goals. For individuals trapped with people they cannot leave - founders tied to their teams, individuals tied to their hometowns or families - the manifestations follow distinct behavioural and emotional signatures.
We get stuck in a cycle of negativity, in which our energy leaks away, and we are not able to move toward what we care about. We cannot see the loop because we mistake emotional contagion for personal failure. It looks like a lack of willpower to stay positive. But there is actually a pattern to it - thinking negatively, then getting angry or disappointed at yourself, and spiralling into self-hate and self-pity.
The room understands that if the toxic handler self-actualises and leaves the role, the entire emotional ecosystem will collapse, so it protects the system by keeping the strong one tethered to the floor.
How do high performers break free from the cycle?
1. Relational job crafting:
You cannot fix other people’s moods. Trying to do that is what is draining you. Move from “I must lift them” to “I won’t waste energy trying to lift their moods. It’s working for them to stay this way.”
Alternatively, you can vent for ten minutes. After that, we shift. Protect your energy without pretending you can’t be there at all.
2. Change what the friendship is made of:
Don’t necessarily cut people out of your life. Change the contact, not the people. Do things with them instead of complaining with them - shared activities, movement, or making something together. The relationship’s emotional structure flips if different activities are taken up with the same set of people. Australian researchers Strazdins and Broom claim that managing distress harms the ‘helper’, while sharing enjoyable time with the same people protects the ‘helper.’
By doing so, you’re not losing the friend but changing what you do together.
3. Share the burden instead of carrying it alone:
American basketball player Kevin Love didn’t quit basketball after injury. He got a therapist, told teammates the truth, fixed sleep, cut late-night scrolling, and wrote a book, “Everyone Is Going Through Something.” He stayed a champion but stopped carrying the load alone.
Technology entrepreneur and author Ben Horowitz had been absorbing all of a failing company’s terror by himself, performing relentless positivity. His biggest improvement as CEO happened when he “stopped being too positive.” He told employees the unvarnished truth and handed the hardest problems to those who could actually solve them. He stopped being the drain and became the router of responsibility.
4. Get one person in your corner:
You don’t need a crowd. One ally can change the equation. Feeling like “everyone is against me” breaks when even one person is reliably in your corner. Having one dependable person cuts depression risk drastically because the fix is addition, not only subtraction. Negativity isn’t solved by just cutting people out. It’s solved by adding at least one relationship that is net-positive and sane.
5. Cut the garbage inputs:
Do what you already know you should do. Remove forums/subs that keep you angry, cap the feed, and limit negative-news/social media exposure. Limiting social media to 30 minutes/day reduces depression and loneliness over a few weeks. Guard sleep like it’s your job; it’s the base of every following day.
Selena Gomez has been open about her struggles with both anxiety and depression. She didn’t quit her career. She deleted social media apps from her phone and handed over the passwords to her assistant. She kept the reach but “killed the drip.”
6. Stop fighting yourself:
Let yourself feel the bad thing “without the second beating”. The spiral from a normal negative thought into self-hate happens because of the second hit. Remove the second hit and the spiral loses its fuel supply. Instead of being your own villain, become your own supporter. Be the ally you keep looking for in other people, for yourself first.
One thing this list deliberately does not do is - it does not ask you to “think positive.”
We don’t paper over bad feelings with forced good ones because suppression backfires.
The move is not to feel good on command. It is to stop attacking yourself for feeling bad, adjust the environment and roles that keep producing bad inputs and let your feelings pass through instead of getting stuck in meta-emotions.
This week, notice the moment someone approaches you with a problem, and you feel the reflex to say, “I’ll handle it”. Watch your breath get shallow - that is the moment the competence trap is springing.
If you stopped managing everyone else’s emotions today and put that energy into protecting your own little universe—your nervous system, your sleep, your relationships, your atmosphere—you wouldn’t suddenly become selfish. You’d simply stop being the drain. And for the first time in a long time, you’d get to be a person again.
Stop managing everyone else’s emotions. Go protect your own little universe.
This resonated with me so much, and it perfectly articulated a conundrum I have been delaing with. Thanks so much Abhishek.
I recently sent a deep and resentful message to a female friend of mine who had the habit of escalating my once-in-a-blue-moon-fuckups, without even stopping to consider the tons she commits I always choose to ignore.
The aftermath came with mixed-feelings, as I lost a friend who deeply knows me, as well as the possibility of remediation, for words are like eggs: never to become whole once-broken.
I have been reflecting over it, and came to the conclusion that I need to voice my discontent earlier in friendships (and in relationships, hopefully) to prevent such emotional attacks in the future.
PS: That same friend reached back out after a month so I could be there for her in a personal situation (because “I’m the only one she knows who never complains and is ever-present,” but now afterwards she has once again taken a backseat in the friendship because I in the past said “hurtful words.” Cognitive dissonance haha